What if we kept it real on Thanksgiving?
You know, say things we are REALLY thankful for….things that only a drunk uncle would say at the turkey table.
Of course I’m thankful for my family, great friends, second chances, and a wonderful life. How about a superficial unconventional Thanksgiving list of thanks? Here’s what I’d probably end up saying on Thanksgiving if I ever became a drinker:
1….for the Hemsworth brothers. Lawd. Thor and Gale have given a mom new life!
2…my kids are great sleepers. Some nights they’re both in bed and asleep by 8PM and that gives me a whole night of FREEDOM!
3…I have a nice ass. Sometimes I look at women with a pancake butt and I say a silent prayer of thanks for my jelly blessing. I can go months without doing squats and my leggings, jeans, and yoga pants still fill out nicely.
4…for laser hair removal. Greatest invention since car backup cams. Shaving sucks and every woman hates it.
5…I don’t pee when I sneeze anymore. Look, after delivering 2 kids it happens. Kegels work ladies. Do them.
6…Halle Berry, Jennifer Anniston, Sanaa Lathan, Jennifer Lopez, and Kate Beckingsale make getting older look so good!
7…for good sex. No explanation needed.
8…B still believes in Santa. It makes me smile to share Christmas magic w/him. Plus I can still threaten him with “Santa sees you.”
9…my kids love sports!!!! OMG, I don’t know how I’d survive motherhood if at least one of my kids didn’t share my love of sports.
10…I don’t have a big nose. I have a fat water head, chubby cheeks, and elf ears. If I had a gigantic snout I’d probably be doomed.
11…I know how to cook. I love to eat.
12…I’m confident and wise enough to know that what others think of me doesn’t make me who I am.