Thumbs Down To A Male Masseuse

Men are great.

They are wonderful for many reasons.

However, I have realized there are 3 things I could pass on from males:

1. Male OBGYN

2. Male Strippers

3. Male Masseuse

Just the thought of a male OB makes me cringe. Ever since I hit puberty and my mom took me to the doctor I have always had a female OB.  Call me old fashion, but the only man I want sticking his head, fingers, and utensils “down there” is the one I love.

As someone who has a great appreciation for the art of pole dancing, I have to say NO to male strippers. There is just something so Vegas, cheesey, and cliche about this. Male strippers are not appealing to me. Hot guys with a nice body and tats, yes…but with his clothes on please.

Now, on to the male masseuse…Back in my working days, I was a regular at luxurious spas. It was one thing I did to treat myself.

Something about the cucumber water, free toiletries in the changing room, and the overall relaxing ambiance just made me a regular at spas. I’m kind of a baby petite so I’m a big fan of light superficial strokes, like a nice Swedish or hot stone massage.

I have ALWAYS gotten massages by a female.

Recently, I had some free time. Many friends and family have been raving about FOOT MASSAGE SPAS, so I decided to try one.

These are very popular in LA. They are basically little bootleg quickie spas that do massage (minus the cucumber water and free tolietries). You get a 1 hour “foot massage” for $27. Great deal, right?

I’m seated in a chair and a guy comes over to put my feet in water. I assume he is just helping to get me settled…WRONG!

Next thing I know he’s reclined me all the way back in the massage chair and taking my ponytail down…WHOA, I didn’t sign up for this!

I oblige for a few minutes as he gives me a pretty good scalp massage, but when he starts mashing my face with his thumbs, I get uncomfortable. Good thing I had my eyes closed…he would have poked me in the retina.

On to my neck and shoulders (WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FOOT MASSAGE???) I really thought he was gonna strangle lil ole me. He was just man handling my throat and shoulders, I finally let out a squeal. He stopped and I said “OUCH…that’s too hard“. He grumbled…or giggled. Not sure which.

Then he moved down to my arms…ok, this is where it got really weird. Fabio sat on the arm of the chair and extended my arm into his lap. I was so tense and stiff the whole time bc I kept envisioning as he was pulling and popping my fingers I was gonna accidentally graze his Donger. It was just really uncomfortable. I kept trying to pull my arms back to my side like a slinky.

At that point, I should have just asked for a female, but I figured, he was finally on to my feet…what else could possibly go on…oh buddy, if only I knew!!!

So he does this weird foot rub and he pulled and pounded my tootsies so hard it prolly increased my shoe size. SMH.

Next thing I know my legs are straddled spead eagle in the air. WTH?! As I try and put them down he pushes them back up and it’s like I’m engaging in resistive exercises. I didn’t sign up for this!!!!

I just wanted a few light effleurage strokes not simulated sex.

Then he starts beating my legs from the ankles and moving his way up my inner thighs. OMG…I am so shocked and tickled that I let out the loudest squeal giggle.

I am so ready for this to be over.

Then he tells me to flip over. Err….ok….I instantly think, ok, a back massage….I can handle this.

Umm….why does he start punching me in the ass for 10 minutes??? I can’t believe it. I look around and all I can do is laugh. Really?

I’m sure there are many women who would enjoy this, but not me. Why do these things always happen to me?

This dude hadn’t even taken me out to dinner or given me flowers and here he is pounding my ass…and I’m paying HIM. WHAT?!

I really just wanna get out of there but I know it’s almost over, so I suck it up.

Next comes the icing on the cake…Since I am fully clothed, I assume there is nothing uncomfortable about a back massage…umm…in less than 20 seconds he had rolled my shirt up to my neck and unsnapped my bra in a single motion.

Oh, yes he did.

I just start dying laughing right there. I cannot believe what is happening.

Between my giggling, grunting, complaining, and squirming he has to know I’m not enjoying this.

Finally, it was over and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I went home and read the online Yelp reviews and this seemed pretty standard for their massages.

I don’t think I would have minded if it were a female.  The fact that it was a male, just made it awkward for me.

From here on out though, I think I’m gonna ditch the quickie massage stops and stick to my cucumber water spas.