A Hot Mama

I was so happy that Morris and Bronson were in the bed by 7:30. Since my sister was over, I figured it’s a Wednesday and I should go out and do something wild and crazy that I don’t normally do.

I head to Target.

As I pull up to Target around 8:45 PM, it looks a little different from my 8:45 AM shopping experience. The parking lot is PACKED and sounds more like a night club.

I finally find a parking space after driving around for 9 minutes and maneuver past all the teens dancing outside their cars ( I just wish they weren’t all blasting Lady GaGa). I walk hesitantly towards the store and discover there are no shopping carts left.

I head back towards Studio 54 and find a few buggies next to the lady selling bacon wrapped hot dogs. Man, do they smell good. She quickly marks her territory though and loads a cardboard box of hot dog buns in one and a case of Orangina in the other.

I survey the “dance floor“. Spotted, a stray shopping cart by the mobile Daniel’s Taco trailer. There is a pretty long line so I’m thinking of Plan B. Just then, a mom with 2 kids in tow asks  if I need a buggy. Maybe she recognizes me as an AM regular and feels my displaced pain of bewilderment.

As we engage in the buggy trade off. She warns, “It’s crazy in there.” I’m stunned. I keep telling myself it’s only Target! If I can handle getting dropped kicked in the ribs by Morris while chasing Bronson to shield him from electrocution, I can surely handle a late night shopping run.

I enter the store and can’t believe it.

Why oh why do I always have to learn the hard way????

The first thing I see are 2 tween boys throwing a Nerf football (still in the box) for a touchdown. I narrowly escape making an unanticipated interception.

Then I notice all the kids running around the store. They are having a good time too. Some are sucking down Icees and others are eating candy bars from the checkout line. The kids outnumber the adults 4:1 (at least). Is this Chuck E or Target? Am I the only mom that puts her kids to bed before 9 PM?

I grab everything I need, and about 5 things I don’t and head to the checkout line. Wouldn’t you know it? Only THREE lanes open, and each has at least 10 customers waiting.

I shake my head and decide to get behind the lady reading People Magazine, feasting on a Diet Coke, Beef Jerky, and Sour Cream and Onion chips (at the rate the line is moving, she’ll be able to break out her new toothbrush, Aquafresh, and bottled water too).

Suddenly, I feel a tap on my shoulder. Oh no, I’m about to get robbed! Wait, robbers aren’t polite. They don’t tap you then say, “pardon me, madam, could I please have your money and jewelry, and oh, what a lovely Gucci purse.”

I turn around and see 2 guys, one missing a few teeth, and one with an over abundance of teeth. Mr. Overbite leans in towards me and says:

“The hookup is in electronics. Hurry.”

I look at him confused.

He clarifies, “they are checking people out back in Electronics. No line. It’s the way to go.”

I hesitate for a minute and process what he’s saying. Then I grab my buggy and dart to the back without thinking twice. I’m desperate. I just want out of this place. Sure enough. There’s only one customer in line and TWO open cashiers.

I pay then proudly walk to the front of the store towards the exit and grin as I pass all the disgruntled customers still waiting. I see a woman looking anxious in line who reminds me of myself only 5 minutes ago. I tap her on the shoulder and whisper:

“The hookup is in electronics. Hurry.”

She looks at me like, “Biatch, I don’t you know you.” So, I keep walking before I get pepper sprayed.

I reflect on my fun filled Target experience and vow to start getting out more.